/trʌst/ : reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.
The shattering of trust: Straight out lies, stretchers, cover ups, silence, leaving out specifics, generalisation… Hiding the truth in the dark corners of your words. Painting shit browns of every shade all over my face. Cable tying my mind in a closet.
One of my 2 dogs is a pussy-foot. He doesn’t like getting his feet wet or dirty. Sometimes… too many times, he does his business on the floor inside the house. Same spot over and over. We try our best to communicate with him that it is totally unacceptable. He doesn’t seem to fully understand. He knows he has done something wrong because he is feeling a little lash back from us. We give him a clean slate and let him stay. And he just does it again and again.
Some people can be just the same with lies. You forgive and choose to stay but it just keeps happening again and again. Reread what I just said about my dog but replace it with a human and you are that spot that gets dumped on… yep.
I love this quote from cult classic Aussie film Running On Empty: “It’s not the speed that kills. It’s the sudden stop.” Thanks Rebel. I think of this quote when I think about lying. It’s not the lies that kill, it’s when it gets found out. But what dies here is not a life in totality, but trust.
lies + discovery = momentarily damaged trust.
(lies + discovered) x 10 = distrust.
(lies + discovered) x100 = all trust lost
(lies + discovery) x100 / month over 23 years = stupidity on any human’s part to keep copping it.
Why would one CHOOSE this life (LIFE? – hahahahaha). Well I can’t speak for everyone, but for me, religion. Where do I start? I know you don’t want the nitty gritty so will not bore you with the multitude of manipulative Bible verses that tell you to forgive and forgive and forgive and forgive… and forgive. And forgive again. And again. I thought there was something wrong with ME for it to keep happening. Me. And I just had to keep trying harder to fix it. I knew I was being lied to. I only fear just how many lies I didn’t pick up on. Living this way wasn’t altogether a choice. There were a number of incidents in early marriage that taught me how things were meant to be. But I did believe them. *sigh*
One thing I have recently come to learn is that you can’t kill yourself to stop the dog from shitting in your house. The dog will just keep shitting there, whether you are there or not. So I’m both selling my house and leaving that dog.
🍻 Here’s to new beginnings, letting my guard down, and learning to trust.
“Have enough courage to trust love one more time and always one more time.” ―
Listening to: Mark Wilkinson – Another Necklace
Well that was a messy blog. Great reflection of my mind right now.
Now To Morrow 