I’ve discovered that I’ve got this big insatiable imaginary monster inside me that I’m trying to feed with my actions.
The key word here is imaginary.
You know how you hear of kids being scared of a monster under the bed or in the closet? You know how many people are scared of the dark because they think something might be hiding in it that can hurt them (when in reality it’s just the same space every other time of the day, week, year, but just that you can’t see that it is)? Imaginary like that. It feels real. I’ve been told it’s real. There is evidence that suggests it could be real. There’s not enough evidence to tell me it isn’t. And so I start believing it might be, then that it is, and now I’ve found myself battling against it. But there’s nothing even there!
I have a problem with the desire to be wanted, to be needed.
When all my children left home I never felt the “empty nest” thing so many people I know did feel. I was excited for my children to be embarking on their grand adventures. I still am excited watching their stories unfold. But I didn’t realise that the older they got the less I meant in their lives. I didn’t realise they would question my usefulness as they grew up. I didn’t realise they would forget my birthday. I didn’t realise I would no longer get birthday or mothers day gifts even though I still send them big gifts when I’m almost broke. I didn’t realise I’d no longer be needed, wanted.
I didn’t realise this was such a painful thing till I saw how much they did to make sure their father knew he was wanted and needed this year. I am certain is because he’s manipulated them into it like he used to with me, but let’s no go there. I can’t change that. My behaviour I can.
The last few weeks I’ve been volunteering about 18 hours a week at 3 different places. I’ve been learning lots of new things in these. When I realise my presence is appreciated I want to put in more hours with them.
Two days ago I was asked if I volunteered as such because of a sense of fulfilment or purpose in helping others. I honestly responded saying I was doing it for the way it helped me. That I liked feeling needed.
Today I was meant to be in online classes for my studies and, while they ran ignored in the background on my computer, without being asked to, I spent all the money from my current dog- sitting job on an RSA course I completed in the foreground because one of the volunteer jobs needed someone with an RSA at an event this Friday night. It was when I excitedly let them know I was able to do the job and discovered that role had already been filled that I realised I had once again gone and fed that stupid fucking imaginary monster.
At least I’m noticing it. Too late perhaps, but noticing it all the same. And that’s something. Acknowledging it as a problem thought and behaviour is stepping in the right direction. Recognising it as imaginary is another. Thinking about some of my life stories I could see the monster had been at work there also.
But I know I’m not alone in this. It’s just that the majority of people I know have a partner and/or a job that fills that gap in their lives. They are wanted and needed. There’s no question of it in those situations so they don’t realise that it could be an issue if these two things were taken away from them.
And that’s me right now…
– Unemployed. Applying for jobs every day but getting no response (besides negative). Applying for many jobs and getting nowhere can only add to the feelings of being unwanted or not needed by anyone.
– And single. This one has a whole bunch of unwanted examples I could raise, but I won’t. Just know that after a few years of not even a bite from a SINGLE male can leave you feeling like you are very much unwanted and in no way needed.
So this one’s going to be a real battle. I just hope the imaginary monster dies quickly and quietly, and doesn’t leave me feeling or looking like a bloodied battleground. Not possible if it’s imaginary, right? Although with my surgery coming some time in the next 2 months…
Now To Morrow 