The greatest thing you’ll ever learn (pt2)

/trʌst/ : reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.

The shattering of trust: Straight out lies, stretchers, cover ups, silence, leaving out specifics, generalisation… Hiding the truth in the dark corners of your words. Painting shit browns of every shade all over my face. Cable tying my mind in a closet.

One of my 2 dogs is a pussy-foot. He doesn’t like getting his feet wet or dirty. Sometimes… too many times, he does his business on the floor inside the house. Same spot over and over. We try our best to communicate with him that it is totally unacceptable. He doesn’t seem to fully understand. He knows he has done something wrong because he is feeling a little lash back from us. We give him a clean slate and let him stay. And he just does it again and again.

Some people can be just the same with lies. You forgive and choose to stay but it just keeps happening again and again. Reread what I just said about my dog but replace it with a human and you are that spot that gets dumped on… yep.

I love this quote from cult classic Aussie film Running On Empty: “It’s not the speed that kills. It’s the sudden stop.” Thanks Rebel. I think of this quote when I think about lying. It’s not the lies that kill, it’s when it gets found out. But what dies here is not a life in totality, but trust.

lies + discovery = momentarily damaged trust.
(lies + discovered) x 10 = distrust.
(lies + discovered) x100 = all trust lost
(lies + discovery) x100 / month over 23 years = stupidity on any human’s part to keep copping it.

Why would one CHOOSE this life (LIFE? – hahahahaha). Well I can’t speak for everyone, but for me, religion. Where do I start? I know you don’t want the nitty gritty so will not bore you with the multitude of manipulative Bible verses that tell you to forgive and forgive and forgive and forgive… and forgive. And forgive again. And again. I thought there was something wrong with ME for it to keep happening. Me. And I just had to keep trying harder to fix it. I knew I was being lied to. I only fear just how many lies I didn’t pick up on. Living this way wasn’t altogether a choice. There were a number of incidents in early marriage that taught me how things were meant to be. But I did believe them. *sigh*

One thing I have recently come to learn is that you can’t kill yourself to stop the dog from shitting in your house. The dog will just keep shitting there, whether you are there or not. So I’m both selling my house and leaving that dog.

🍻 Here’s to new beginnings, letting my guard down, and learning to trust.
“Have enough courage to trust love one more time and always one more time.” ― Maya Angelou

Listening to: Mark Wilkinson – Another Necklace

 

 

 

 

Well that was a messy blog. Great reflection of my mind right now.

stmpnkpgn

Tonight (14/11/18) I saw the Coldplay Movie, A Head Full Of Dreams. There were bits in there I need to see/read again, to note down. I want it now but it was a once off screening. One and only time. And I’m not even sure if it will be released for sale. It needs to be. I need it. NEEEEED it!

What stood out to me in the film:
– Chris appeared to me like what I term an ‘Angel’, wings and all, like myself
– Chris’s energy and evident need to fly
– Chris’s lists to accomplish
– Chris’s recipe for a good song
– Chris saying at the very end that he gets songs in odd morning hours and considers going back to sleep, but then knows that if God is going to drop a song right there, he should grab it as it passes him by
– The bit where Chris said that he has messages to deliver.

After the movie I felt everything in me was messed up. Like there was a big hollow area inside me like a heated full cauldron, and it was getting all mixed up and bubbling and the steam from it all was clouding my vision. I’ve got to release a dream or two from my overflowing soul. Not all at once, just one spoon full at a time.

I sat on the cinema outdoor escape stairs and cried for a bit. Over my own death and desire to live.

I started rabbling on to a derstanding [new word: if understanding is realising what is happening or being said, shouldn’t the opposite be derstanding. haha.] Matt about being caught up in an avalanche over the last week. I’m moving forward in a sudden motion toward actually getting on with living my dreams. It’s so sudden that I am being taken up by it with no power to struggle against it. I just have to go with it. Like an avalanche carrying me away down a rocky slope. Things just seem to keep happening that way. And I have to just hope that at the bottom of the slope I won’t be the only crushed twisted body there, but others will be there so we can work together to renew ourselves and build something out of the snow we are surrounded in. Like a little igloo village.

Then I had a moment realising/remembering that when I come out with stuff like this snow stuff people tell me they love my perspective. I struggle that it is so odd/different form the majority. Why do I see things a little different? What use it to me? None! It just makes me feel like I don’t fit in anywhere. I used to actually bash my head against brick walls wishing my mind would think normal.

I am full of messages that need to be delivered. I have a photo of a dead pigeon that I carry around on my phone that helps me to remember not to give up when I get suicidal. How can a dead pigeon deliver it’s messages? Right now I’m just sleeping in a coffin built to the wrong size and shape, just waiting to die and the discomfort to finally end. I can’t stay there. I’m out. I’m even willing to wear the full blame of the leaving and take the ugly side of it all.

stmpnkpgn (Steampunk Pigeon) must fly.

🍻 Heres to getting things done TODAY, not tomorrow.

Listening to: Coldplay – Head full of dreams

The greatest thing you’ll ever learn (pt1)

There is a lot about me to dislike. Even a number of things to hate. But there are still more things in that mix that are pretty damn awesome – they’re just muddied by all the shit stinking my life up. Oh Em Gee, she swears! Don’t panic – I didn’t sign the church volunteers code of conduct form.

Trying to find something in myself to love has been a looooong journey. When I broke a year ago, I also awoke. Something I had known for a long time, finally found a way to shine through all the shit… The greatest thing you’ll ever learn! And what is that, I hear you ask… okay not all of you. Some of you are already singing along with me.

🎶The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love, and be loved in return.

Yeah, yeah, but what is love? My take: a multifaceted diamond, that once found, it’s value is evident, and it becomes something you treasure. And if you dig for it, discover it for yourself, and clean it up and make it shine, it is worth much more to you than if it were just plopped into your hand already in all it’s glory. Whaaaat?!

I’m still discovering it’s many faces. As I wipe the shit off each one, I realise there is a whole ‘person’ality behind each face. It lives. LOVE LIVES! …love dies. It’s no surprise.

I’ve been breaking love down into values. One of these values is actually to be valued. To have someone see something of worth in you…. now that is the most amazing feeling in all the world. To feel like there is someone out there that thinks there is something kind-of okay about you. That they might want to get to know you more. That they might want to be friends.

valjuːd – considered to be important or beneficial; cherished.
wəːθ – sufficiently good, important, or interesting to be treated or regarded in the way specified.

I’ve spent too many years pushing people away because I’ve been afraid they’ll find out the real me isn’t worth ANY time, ANY effort, ANY breath. This hasn’t always been so though.

Once upon a time, Linda was a happy crazy little looney child. In her early teens she started to see there were some things wrong with her. In her late teens she was shown there was little right with her. She agreed. Linda, saw NO worth in her real self. She’d lost sight of all she had been as a child because, well, when you are 18+ you are supposed to put childish things behind you (1 Corinthians 13:11). Right? WRONG! So I accepted the schooling of fixing myself into something I was expected to be by society, the church, my partner. But fixing something that is not broken means dismantling what is correct and piecing it back together wrong. Does this not scream “YOU ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH!” to you? Does to me!

I learnt to hate the real me, especially when it kept trying to push through. Just keep smashing that evil witch over the head with that shovel love, it will eventually die and stay buried!

I hated who I became.

I hated that I had so many dreams and ideas that could not be given even a breath of life.

Linda ended up being chopped up in little pieces, blood the colour of ink poured out on pages of notebooks, squashed into plastic storage boxes, buried under volumes of ‘they way things should be’. Linda has too often thought those rotting boxes of bits should be burned or buried in a six foot hole.

So, alcohol. I believe Christians see it as so evil because the real self that they try so hard to conceal and bury accidentally opens its mouth and reveals their true identity. Just keep smashing that evil witch over the head with a shovel love, it will eventually die and stay buried!

Mid 2017 alcohol happened. I have only myself to blame. Never tell someone the only way you’ll ever get drunk is if others kept buying you drinks, because you can’t be rude and not accept a gift. Stupid mouth! Oh Em Gee, she drinks alcohol! Don’t panic. I didn’t sign the church volunteers code of conduct form.

Todays lesson: Don’t try to change someones appearance and personality, make it clear that the real them is wrong, and hold them locked in a cage. Instead, strip them of everything dear to them and lock them in an empty barricaded basement. That way they wont be able to see that worth is worthwhile. They wont see it in others and wish they could have some. They wont be seen by others who might try to reach out to them. They won’t get into any situations where the real person buried deep down inside might be seen and found worthy of a smile, or maybe friendship, or maybe more – maybe they will learn the greatest thing that can ever be learnt. Horrified face.

I am on a journey of discovering my own self worth. I can’t finish ‘my story’ without giving myself a shot. So over the next couple of years I am searching out who I really am, what my dreams are, if I can possibly make them into reality, and is my life worth continuing beyond that 2 years.

Well, lets see.

🍻 Here’s to dreams, desire, and un-numbered days.

Listening to: David Bowie’s cover – Nature Boy