There’s a cat I have known for 20 years. Yes, it’s 20 human years old. It’s been like all cats I’ve known when it comes to affection – it’ll come to you when it wants to be touched and is very clear when it doesn’t. At least it has been that way till recently.
It’s moved house at least 7 times that I know of, and has lived in 3 houses in the last 3 years, at which time I’ve lived nearby and seen it often. The last move it made was into the same house as myself.
And now, the cat has become clingy. It’s humans are away this weekend so it follows me around, calls out to me and paws my closed door all night, and when I lay on the couch it lays on me and snuggles right up hard under my chin, or reaches its paws out like an embrace. It is much like it’s humans behaviour toward each other. One of them has been away for work a lot and when they return both humans behave like their clingy cat, especially when watching TV… or at least that’s when I see them.
Getting this sudden affection from the cat has reminded me of what I’ve been missing. I’ve haven’t had this kind of affection for 3 years. And how I need it. I think i need it anyway. Actually, my brain tries to convince itself that it’s only a want, so i should get over it. That’s my way of coping without it. Haha.
This solo life is my own fault to some degree. I’m scared. Trauma can do that to you. I’ve been trying not to call it trauma either, but my psychologist wants me to own it so I can deal with it.
It’s like a big empty room with a coffee table in the middle. If I close my eyes the coffee table is no longer there. I can blindly walk around that room from wall to wall, but should I bump into the coffee table causing pain that makes my eyes water and my body paralysed for a moment, who or what am I going to blame? Not the coffee table – it’s not there. But it is. I just need to accept it so I can find ways to navigate around or over it and remove it from the room altogether. So yeah, trauma. It’s a thing. And I’ve got a problem with it.
I’ve spent the last 5 years bouncing from one job to another because I don’t feel comfortable with the people I work with. Hello, Linda! Common factor alert! I’ve seen the common factor issue, but having shut my eyes on that coffee table, I couldn’t see what the issue was. I feel really quite stupid now that I’ve opened my eyes and am taking a good look at the coffee table.
I had thought communication was the big issue and have spent a few years trying to improve my communication skills (which sadly haven’t improved much due to a different coffee table my psychologist and I have been working through recently called Neurodiversity).
And so I’m finally working on a new coffee table project – conflict management and resolution. I’m so fucking scared of conflict. Seriously scared of it. So much so I find it odd that I couldn’t see it even with my eyes shut to it. Thank you so much for this wonderful gift, abuse! Blame had been my blindfold. It’s not me, it’s them. I’m not over sensitive, they just don’t like me and aren’t afraid to show it. Or even worse still, I imagine possible conflict and project that onto them, and so am scared of them without even seeing or hearing or meeting them. I can see a stranger across the room, think they might be a nice person to get to know, then think of innumerable conflict scenarios in a second, and turn around and walk away.
Safe to say, I really hate my brain. How much would I like to kill the over-thinker in it. Haha. No, that’s not the solution. I just have to learn to work with it and sort through my memories that cause me to think stupid things like the above.
The cat’s need for affection has given me a new goal to help me knuckle into working with my conflict trauma. One day I too may be able to snuggle up to someone I feel safe with and know there is something in me worth loving. Fingers crossed it’s not going to take me another 3 years of lacking physical affection to get there. Haha.
Now To Morrow 