“I can do this stuff”

This week I had a bit of a panic attack at the end of one of my TAFE classes. I had half an hour to try and figure out what triggered it, ground myself, wash my face off, get my head back in the game and eat lunch before the next class started. I didn’t figure out the trigger but I did manage to feed and ground myself. But the feeling of anxiety was still bubbling below the surface. Five minutes into the next class and I was on my way to losing it again. I tapped out for the day. It wasn’t till the next morning, feeling a little anxious before my days classes, that I was assisted to figuring out what had triggered me.

One of the best things about living at this share house is having friends to share these experiences with and who can speak what they can see from the outside, especially when they are a therapist trained in counselling. Thank Steve for Silvana! No, Steve is definitely not a god, but he is the one to thank for her being a part of my world. He is also the author of a tongue in cheek fictional book he is still writing about gods like they are ordinary people. But I digress…

I was freaking out about not being smart enough to get all that is being crammed into my head in such a short period of time. As Sil started discussing the possibility of this and sharing an example from her own life (something she can do outside of therapy with me because we are friends) I started crying again. And until the day before’s anxiety attack, I hadn’t shed a tear since starting on the anxiety meds again a few months ago. We discussed the irrational parts of it and methods to combat it. I had a ‘Captain Obvious’ realisation. I’m not required to know or understand anything in my classes beforehand. That’s what the classes are for. They are there to teach me things I may not have already grasped. It’s okay to feel like I don’t have the intellect to do this. It’s not Uni, just TAFE. And myself and the other students are not here to show we know this stuff, but to learn it. Needless to say I got through all 3 classes this day with ease, one of which I really enjoyed and will make an appearance in another post.

This morning I received photos and a video of my eldest grandie at his swimming lessons. He’s been at it for a number of weeks now and, while it appears like small progress, it’s really huge when you think about the mental challenge of trying something so completely new to you, technically demanding, memory focusing, and, honestly, death defying. I realised this morning that it takes a lot of courage to learn to swim. I found myself quite impressed and wanted to let him know.

If a three year old can face all the many unknowns in their world to learn new things almost every day (without being able to articulate what he’s feeling inside, mind you) I too can learn new things! We all can. It just takes a bit of time, effort and reassurance.

A few years ago I couldn’t live on my own, tow or operate a caravan, weave baskets, or draw, or travel solo! Each one of these I entered into with trepidation, unsure if I could actually achieve it, wondering if I was wasting time and money, thinking “WTF are you doing, Linda?!” But I did it! I s̶h̶o̶u̶l̶d̶ will be able to enter my classes thinking what my grandie said to me today…

“I can do this stuff”

A country drive

The other week I went for a little drive in the countryside, the Byron Hinterland to be exact. The weather was perfect, the narrow roads not too busy, and there were so many new things to see.

Currently residing with 2 Italian women and (at the time) one Italian nephew, I couldn’t not go to the LisAmore Italian Festival, the first since 2019 thanks to Covid and floods, and 2019 being the last year that these lovely Italians spent with their Madre and Nonna who I was also lucky to know. Sadly I found LisAmore a little lacking. For one, the arancini food trailer wasn’t there. Rosa, the eldest of the Italian women I live with, had introduced me to the arancini and their Italian cook at a market some weeks prior. I was really looking forward to mangiare one whilst wandering around the festival. If I had just one arancini ball to eat whilst wandering, I may have still been eating it when I’d finished seeing everything there to see. I was a little underwhelmed. Not wanting to just sit around waiting for various musicians to perform over the next few hours, I decided to go for a drive.

At first I had no clue where I was going. I just kept driving past the turf club where the festival was – a road I hadn’t driven before. Eventually I found myself following signs to a village I hadn’t explored before, Federal.

Along the way I passed a heap of interesting letterboxes, a few I stopped to photograph, and a bunch of fresh produce roadside stalls where I did a little grocery shopping.

Not wanting to queue with the yuppie-looking folk at the cafe, I bought a snack and drink from the general store and went for a wander around the village. Across the road from the shops is a big park with playground, skatepark and picnic facilities. If you are into art and sculpture there are a number of pieces that can be found throughout this large park. I only took photos of two. The kookaburra was just part of a larger mosaic. The suns with the sun I took because I was in love with its shadow more than the sculpture itself.

Behind this park is a little rock seating circle, and behind that a small creek. Alongside the creek I followed a vague dirt track which led me to a sealed one with little bits of mosaic art embedded into it here and there. Following this path I came to another park and beyond that a bush tucker community garden. There was no fruit or flowers at this time but the leaves of the Lemon Scented Teatree stole my heart. I may have picked a little which I still crush up and sniff every now and again. They’ll become one with me soon by means of tea. Haha.

I couldn’t help but notice a number of places you could hide a geocache, but I only had micros in my car and I’m sick of hiding them. I’ll just have to return with a few. Haha.

On the drive home I explored a few side roads with their expensive looking dream properties. Along one of these I drove beneath 4 black cockatoos grazing on the vines hanging over the road. I stopped to take some photos. They didn’t fly off with my presence, but they were a little high up for decent photos from my phone.

Some days are as right as goldilocks’ favourite porridge, and this was one.