I love the story of my childhood. I’m one of the lucky ones who had a horror free introductory to life.
Unfortunately time got in the way and I had to grow up. We can easily get caught up in blaming the clock:
“If I had a time machine…”
“I wish I could stay this age forever”
“If only…”
But we all know it’s really what’s going on in our surrounding world that changes us. Sure chemicals play their part too, but even they are effected by our environment.
My brain wasn’t exactly the same age as my body, so being surrounded by students “my age” in high school was very damaging – I was that retard. Being treated “my age” by adults left both parties confused about why things didn’t work out right. Knowing what people “my age” should be doing made me try to do things their way, leading to fail after fail after fail.
Then I met Mr Right. He made it ever so clear to me that I’d been bought up all wrong, I was broken, and he was the one to fix me. HALLELUJAH! I found an answer to everything that was wrong in my world!
Not.
Mr [not so] Right entered riding a tall white stallion (actually recklessly driving an Electric Blue XW GT), himself clad in shining armour. He gathered me up from where I stood, removing me from all my current influences (friends, family, home, community) and immediately began re-training me. I was excited at the prospect that I might actually become ‘normal’. I did everything I was told to do, but often something deep inside me got angry, very angry, and snapped. Apparently it wasn’t because something deep inside me knew this overhaul was wrong. Nooooo. It was because everything in me was wrong.
WRONG!
Sad to say, I kept up the transformation/renewing of my mind/customisation for quite some years. I became accustomed to the fact that I was pretty much broken, couldn’t be fixed completely, and couldn’t live without the help of my knight in shining armour. I couldn’t make a decision without his help. I needed permission because heart led decisions usually ended up pointing me in the wrong direction. Hmmmmm. I can clearly see now that my heart wasn’t pointing me wrong at all. Just not in the same direction as Mr Right wanted. His right was wrong for me.
Now, TWENTY FOUR years in with Mr Right, I’m finally gaining enough strength to allow myself to make mistakes and not feel [too] bad about it, all in the adventure of returning to the me I was always meant to be.
It’s hard to break a bad habit, especially when you are still living with it. He wants to be my knight, but hates me putting up a fight. I know he doesn’t really ‘care’ for me anymore, because he doesn’t care for me anymore. He could never quite mould me into what he wanted me to be and now he’s lost control of me.
🍻Here’s to strong legs and neck! May I keep moving forward through the muck with my head held high.
I do not need a hero. I am the hero to my own story.
…
Listening to:
Katy Perry – Roar
Now To Morrow 